Cold
by I Love-Hate him
Summary: Matt writes a letter to Shannon. Warnings: mentions of abuse, slight slash, slight language.
1. Cold

**Name: Cold.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: mentions of abuse, slight slash.**

**Summary: Matt has to say he's sorry for some mistakes he's made in the past.**

**Writer's notes: I was bored and I noticed there's almost no fics about Matt writing letters to Shannon, there's tons of Shannon writing ones to Matt but, never Matt writing notes to Shannon...I thought it would be a good story line for Matt to write a sorry note to Shannon. So here it is.**

**Disclaimer: Matt Hardy, Shannon Moore and any other wrestlers named in this story belong to themselves, the song is "Cold" By Crossfade (It so works)**

_Looking back at me,_

_I see that I never really got it right._

_I never stopped to think of you._

_I'm always wrapped in things i cannot win._

Dear Shannon,

I've been thinking back allot, Around a couple years ago...I feel bad because we never really worked that out...I know I did some sick things...to you...Some things I shouldn't have done...And the only thing I can say is I'm sorry. There, I said it. After 5 years of denying it, I said it. I'm sorry...I shouldn't have hurt you like that...

_You are the antidote that got me by,_

_Something strong like a drug_

_That got me high..._

To be honest Shannon, You meant allot to me, you still do, but, I try my hardest to stay away from you...Because I don't wanna hurt you again...

And to be honest, It killed me to hurt you the way I used to...To look at you, shaking and bleeding on the floor, begging for mercy killed me enough...but, to know **I** did that to you, made everything worse...I didn't want to do that to you, you were like my little brother growing up, You'd always hang with Jeff and I and I loved that, yeah, at first you were a little annoying, but, you're a great kid, and I loved you allot Shannon...I just got mad sometimes...

_What I really meant to say..._

_Is I'm sorry for the way_

_I am...I never meant to be so cold._

And I know that's no reason to beat the shit out of you like I did. That was really wrong of me, I should have seen that...when you started cutting yourself...

Yes, Shannon I know you did it, I'm pretty sure you still do...But, I remember that one night, After I...did that to you, when I came back in, like I always did to check on you (You never knew it but, I would always come in after when it hit me to make sure you were okay)...You were on the floor, on your knees and you had a razor in your hand...I should have stopped you, but, I didn't know what to do Shannon, I didn't know what to say...so I didn't say anything...

_What I really meant to say..._

_Is I'm sorry for the way_

_I am...I never meant to be so..._

I'm sorry for humiliating you, and treating you like that on stage, even though it was no where near what I did to you in the locker room, but, beating you up in the ring was wrong of me...I know it made you feel horrible, because everyone knew you were my bitch...And I'm sorry about that, I never meant to hurt you like that...I admit it...I turned you into my bitch and I'm sorry...

_Cold to you, I'm sorry about all the lies,_

_Maybe in a different light,_

_you can see me stand on my own again,_

_Cause now I can't see..._

I know I should have listened to Jeff's warnings, he always told me "Matt, watch your temper, you're gonna hurt him." Even when the two of us hated each other, he told me that. I remember the one time when I beat you up in the ring for the first time because I wanted to 'bring V1 up a level' after I did that, beating on you and using you like I did then leaving you lying in the ring all alone, When I got back stage, all high on myself, and I remember turning that corner and having Jeff grab me by my shirt and pin me against the wall and he started to yell at me, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO HIM!" He screamed at me, I didn't answer him, I remember him just staring at me, he had dried tears on his face, then he let me go and yelled at me again. "STOP HURTING HIM! You beat him backstage enough! You don't have to do it in the ring! You're killing his self-esteem!" Then he slapped me across the face and walked away...

I know that same day was the day I got mad at you for walking in front of the TV, and I beat the hell out of you for that...That wasn't why I beat you, it was cause I was mad at Jeff so much, I couldn't help but, take it out on you...and I'm sorry...

_You were the antidote that got me by,_

_something strong like a drug_

_that got me high..._

To be honest Shannon, I didn't mean to abuse you at first, I didn't even know I was...I thought I was training you...since Jeff and me Trained each other, I never had a real trainer, so I thought that was what real trainers did...I thought I was giving you a lesson by beating on you like that...I know it sounds stupid but, its true.

Then when Shane found out about it and told me "Matt, you aren't training him, you're abusing him" I really wanted to stop...but, I couldn't, I would get angry and hurt you...

_What I really meant to say..._

_Is I'm sorry for the way_

_I am...I never meant to be so cold._

But, honestly Shannon, I never meant to do that, I never meant to hurt you like that...I tried to stop, but, I just got so mad so fast, and I couldn't help it...Someone had to pay and I wanted to take it out on someone who was smaller then me...and someone who would let me...so I took it out on you, cause I knew you'd let me...I know its sick...But, I knew you wouldn't fight back, that's why I did that...I knew all you would do was lie there and beg me to stop...and most of the time...I never listened to you...

_What I really meant to say..._

_Is I'm sorry for the way_

_I am...I never meant to be so cold..._

And I'm sorry for that, I'm sorry I never listened, even when you cried, even when you begged, even when you cut because of it. Nothing stopped me, I felt horrible after, I really did. I would sit in my room and cry because of it, because I hate hurting you. Shannon you're pretty much my other brother...We grew up together, you're the funest and funniest and coolest guy to hang out with, I love how your always yourself since I ditched you...I love that about you, and even before I turned you into a mini me, you were so yourself, you weren't scared of being yourself and I loved that...I'm sorry I took that away from you for such a long time back then...I'm sorry for beating you into me, I never really wanted to do that...

_I never really, wanted you to see_

_the screwed up side of me that I keep,_

_locked in side of me so deep._

_It always seems to get to me._

Things just happened like that though...I couldn't help it, I got mad and I turned into a monster and beat you to a bloody pulp because I couldn't do anything else, Jeff told you I had a bad temper, you should have listened and stayed away from me, cause its true (as you know) I have a horrible temper and when I get mad and I get so mad, and I did back then, only worse, and I would get screwed up, real screwed up, I just saw red and things happened so fast and I couldn't help it...I guess that isn't a good reason, but, I can't help it...I never really wanted to show you the abusive, bad, screwed up, twisted, fucked up side of me that i hid from the whole world, the side only some people have seen...well...to be honest, I think you're the only one who's seen that side...Not even Jeff has...

_I never really, wanted you to go,_

_So many things I should have known,_

_I guess for me there's no hope,_

_I never meant to be so cold._

And I never wanted to ditch you and go to RAW, I never did, but...Ugh, how do I say this? I didn't go to RAW and ditch you to get a better job, I did it cause I couldn't stand hurting you anymore...Hurting you time and time and time again, it really got to me, I felt horrible...I didn't know what else to do, so I left you alone, I know you paid for it by getting beat up by guys three times your size, and I'm sorry about that, but, it was better then me beating you half to death everyday...But, honestly...I left because I didn't want to hurt you anymore, I finally listened to Jeff screaming at me "YOU'RE GONNA KILL'EM!" And I left and tried to forget about you, hoping you'd do the same, I know it made me look like a dick and I'm sorry about that...

_What I really meant to say..._

_Is I'm sorry for the way_

_I am...I never meant to be so cold._

I know that I made you feel alone and rejected when I did that, because things seemed so weird between us, I couldn't even talk to you cause I felt bad, I know it looked like I rejected you, that was why you started that whole 'reject' gimmick...I know I'm behind that...Cause that was when you started to throw your life away...Jeff told me about the drugs and drinking you got into, he blamed me of course...I guess he still doesn't know about the cutting, which I hope you don't do anymore...But, anyway Shannon...please take care of yourself, now that WWE fired you again, please take care of yourself, Get yourself help, stop drinking, stop cutting and get off the drugs, because seriously Shan, its gonna kill you if you don't stop, Jeff's worried about you...So please, take care of yourself...

_What I really meant to say..._

_Is I'm sorry for the way_

_I am...I never meant to be so cold..._

I doubt any of this means anything to you, I doubt you even care, I know you're probably still angry at me for what I did...and you have that right because what I did to you was so wrong, and I'm really sorry...And I mean that, I just hope you understand...I never meant to hurt you the way I did...

I never meant to be so cold...

~Matt.

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FIN

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_Plz review! Make an emo kid happy! ^ ^_


	2. You never loved me

**Name: You never loved me**

**Warnings: mentions of abuse, mentions of rape, swearing, and slight slash**

**Summary: second chapter to "Cold" Shannon writes back, and he's angry.**

**Writer's Notes: here's the letter from Shannon, KBS25 gave me this idea. I was trying to make sure I got Shannon's anger down good, I think I did. So here ya go. **

_Your lipstick his collar, _

_don't bother Angel,_

_I know exactly what goes on..._

Matt,

First off: What the fuck? After 5 years of acting like I wasn't alive you email me saying your sorry for hurting me so much, You know I don't get you one bit. You were like this in the beginning of our relationship, you went from not caring about me one bit and beating the fuck out of me to saying how sorry you were and crying, I really don't get you.

Thinking back on all the sick things you did to me...Just make me sick Matt.

_When everything you get is,_

_everything that you want,_

_well which would you prefer?_

_My finger on the trigger or,_

_Me face down, down across your floor?_

_Me face down, down across your floor?_

_Me face down, down across your floor?_

_Just so long as this thing's load._

The way you beat me, and teased me, and hurt me in everyway, how you enjoyed it, you enjoyed to hurt me so bad, it broke my heart, I would cry every night and cut myself until I bled all over the bathroom floor, Until I passed out, shaking and crying, passed out into dreams full of nightmares and pain, Every single fucking night I would have nightmares, of you beating and raping me, Over and over and over and over again, you know how much that tortured me? How much it still tortures me!

Every single night I have nightmares about that, every night I wake up screaming, and crying, then I get so worked up I start throwing up and get sick so easily, this happens EVERY FUCKING NIGHT!

You tortured me.

_And will you tell all your friends_

_You got your gun to my head,_

_this all was only wishful thinking,_

_this all was only wishful thinking,_

_And will you tell all your friends_

_You got your gun to my head,_

_this all was only wishful thinking,_

_this all was only wishful thinking,_

So you know what Matt, FUCK YOU! Fuck you to hell, I hope you pay for what you did to me, what you put me through, you think I liked to be beaten to a bloody fucking pulp? You think I liked being tied to the bedposts and raped over and over and over again, throughout the night until I passed out from the pain? you think I fucking liked that!?

Did it make you feel like I man when you did that? did it make you feel like a man when you pulled me down the hall after our matches, by my arm, bruising me, scaring me half to death? Did it make you feel like a man when everyone, EVERYONE, the wresters, the fans, the whole world knew I was your little bitch? did it make you feel good and tough when you beat me then went and told all your friends? They all knew and laughed, I hated your friends. Almost as much I as hate you.

_Don't bother trying to explain Angel,_

_I know exactly what goes on,_

_when your on._

_And how about I'm outside of your window,_

_how about I'm outside of your window,_

_Watchin' him keep the details covered,_

_Your such a sucker, for a sweet talker._

So don't you dare give me that shit and tell me your sorry when I know you enjoyed hurting me, even though it broke me into pieces.

I would cry and cry and cry, every night, every day, my whole day would be like this:

Wake up, cry, eat breakfast, throw it up, cry, cut myself, skip lunch, wrestle, get the hell beat out of me in the ring, get dragged back to the locker room, get the hell beat out of me by you, cry, cut myself, eat dinner, throw it up, cry, get raped and beaten, cut myself, then cry myself to sleep.

That was my day, everyday, I got tortured by you, you treated me like shit and didn't care.

_And will you tell all your friends_

_You got your gun to my head,_

_this all was only wishful thinking,_

_this all was only wishful thinking,_

_And will you tell all your friends_

_You got your gun to my head,_

_this all was only wishful thinking,_

_this all was only wishful thinking,_

And you knew! You knew how much I was hurting, You knew I cut myself, yet you didn't try to stop me. You didn't care enough. And yes, I still cut myself because of what you did to me, every day, I slice up my arms, until I bleed until I pass out, and yes, I still get drunk, and I shoot up, and get high, and pop pills, all the time, and I starve myself still, And I throw up, and puke up my guts until I see blood, I HAVE RUINED MY BODY!

You've ruined me.

_Hoping for the best,_

_Hope that nothing happens,_

_a dozen clever lines,_

_unread on clever napkins._

_I would never ask, _

_If you don't ever tell me,_

_I know you well enough to know you never loved me._

And no! FUCK NO! I won't give up anything for you, I don't care if I die doing this, I'll be happy then finally, I'll be done with all my pain, I'll stop hurting, I'd do anything to stop hurting.

Sometimes Matt, when I'm shaving my face, I take the razor and hold it to my neck...And think about slitting it across, but, it wouldn't be so bad...to die that is...I doubt anyone would miss me, you wouldn't, you'd probably laugh at my funeral, if I even had one, I'm sure if I died now...No one would care...Not even Jeff, or Shane, or Jimmy, or you. No one...They wouldn't even care.

It wouldn't be long until they all forgot my name.

_Why can't I feel anything for_

_anyone other then you?_

_And All of this, was all your fault!_

_And all of this!_

_I stay wrecked and jealous for this,_

_for this simple reason I_

_just need to keep you in mind,_

_as something larger than life._

_She'll destroy us all before she's through,_

_and find a way to blame somebody else._

So fuck you, I hate you, I hate you for hurting me, and I always will, You destroyed me, You tortured me, and I loved you, boy was I stupid...Cause i know you never loved me, Now forever, I'll always love you, I can't love anyone else, I've tried, I've given myself away to guys and girls just because they want to fuck someone, I've been raped so many times Its a part of my life, I don't even care anymore, I'm so used to being raped by you, I'll let anyone rape me. Cause I'll never find true love cause you tainted me, you destroyed me and tortured me and killed me...And I know now...

YOU NEVER LOVED ME!

But, I still love you...

And I'll always hate you...

~Shannon.

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FIN

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_I do not own Shannon Moore or Matt Hardy, They own themselves, and this is all fictional, none of this has ever happened. The song is "Cute without the E." by Taking Back Sunday._

_Review pllllzzz! Make an emo girl happy! =D_


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